Beefless Beef Stew is fairly easy to make. It just takes time. 48 hours of preparation.
You begin by having a Girl’s Night Out, mixing red and white wine with beer and tequila, chatting and laughing and chatting, and then you head to the 24-hour diner nearby which I will here-to-fore refer to as “The Poutine Store”. The next ingredient is easy to come by at 3 am: an argument with a young fella in line about artistic integrity. Yell at him. Just do it. Not that I did that. It’s in the recipe though. And you don’t just yell at him, you call him a “Dickhead”. Probably 36 times. Until your friend drags you into The Poutine Store and feeds you Sour Cream and Bacon Chips to silence your rage. You probably don’t yell very often. You will feel terrible tomorrow. You will. You embrace the silence and eat the poutine.
Not that I did that. On Friday night. Thanks Megan.
You then wake up with Booze Blues and next, head to the Duff. The Dufferin Mall has 140 stores and services, but you only need 3 for this recipe: Second Cup, H & M, and Winners. A lovely morning at the Duff with a dear friend who is normally way too far away is a key part of the recipe.
Don’t forget the baby shower. The Booze Blues are simmered to reduction with stories from girlfriends about sleeping in car trunks and dancing naked in bar windows. Playing games that force your face into a diaper and women that force your breath into your chest, beating on the chamber… laughing, endless laughing. Very important.
And the slowest night at work ever. You need to polish the same glass for 15 minutes, again and again to get the recipe juuuusst right. Eventually, The Riddler picks you up. And you take your horse out of your locker, turn into a cowgirl and go to a party! Beefless Beef Stew can only be made with dancing. And silly putty. And a great nights sleep. If you can faintly smell last nights poutine as you drift off to dreamland, the recipe is right on track.
After you’ve let your body rest overnight, you take the beef cubes out of the freezer to defrost and assemble the following ingredients:
- 3 carrots, chopped
- 8 baby red potatoes, quartered
- 1 stalk of celery, chopped
- 8 mushrooms, quartered
- 1 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
- 1/4 cup flour
- 1 tsp Salt
- 1 tsp Pepper
- 1 1/2 cups of beef broth
Throw everything except the flour into the slow cooker and then realize that the thawed beef is freezer burned. Put on your warmest coat and head out in search of beef. Your predominantly Catholic neighbourhood has shut down because it’s Sunday.
Do not find beef.
Look for chicken, but do not find that either.
Return to The Poutine Store. Walk directly through Friday Nights Shame Spiral and straight to the third cooler. Consider buying peameal bacon. Peameal Bacon Stew. Hmmm. Nope.
Immediately leave The Poutine Store. Go home. Take off your coat and adjust the recipe as follows:
- Double all the vegetables
- Throw in a can of tomato paste
- Quadruple the amount of Worcestershire Sauce. For a woodsy taste.
Turn your slow cooker on for however long you’d like. No meat, No worries.
Watch New Girl and Unsolved Mysteries on You Tube until you are too hungry to wait.
Stew should be fairly edible and your friends are really awesome.